Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
