Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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