my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
