I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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