I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
