take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
