So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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