I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
