Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
