And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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