I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
3 2 1 whiskey
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
