Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
