i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
