No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
