So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
