not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
