Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
