First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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