Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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