I don't usually arrange sex via text message
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
