Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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