You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We're too hungover to prance.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
