May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
