my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
