Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just invented taco cereal.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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