i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
