I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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