3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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