Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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