Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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