I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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