we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Everyone says I win the strip club
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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