one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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