Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
