OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
