His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
