my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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