"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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