So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
