I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
birth control should be required to get into college
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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