the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
