Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
