Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
