You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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