I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
