she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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