wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
