i love accidental penises.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
