did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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