OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
