not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
