1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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