there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
